July 24th, 2004

Purity, Addiction, The Fountainhead

I finished The Fountainhead about a week ago, and wanted to write something about it while it was fresh.

The surface rationale of Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead is preaching Objectivism. It's a pretty straighforward belief system that has pros and cons. After thinking about it though, a few issues below the surface became visible to me.

All of Rand's characters in the book had some very interesting qualities. All seemed to destroy themselves for some reason or another. Rand paints them as heroes, with immovable monolithic principles and standards. Confronted with a corrupt world, these standards almost become addictive vices, and act to destroy them.

Howard Roark rapes Dominique and Rand describes how terribly she hates him. However, Dominique falls desperately in love with Roark because he represents something so pure that he should not be allowed to exist in the world. Their relationship almost seems masochistic. They both punish themselves and each other.

Gail Wynand is a newspaper mogul, a William Randolph Hearst type character, who seeks power through exploitation. He sacrifices all that is pure as a way of punishing himself and stripping away remorse. Wynand marries Roark's lover Dominique, effectively destroys Roark’s career, yet the lone architect maintains his friendship with his nemesis.

Howard Roark himself sacrifices any ounce of success for a pure ideal. In a sense he destroys himself. Often Howard Roark sits longingly by the windowsill, smoking cigarettes. Roark destroys himself by holding true to an almost unreachable goal. He willingly gives up Dominique and moderate success. He even destroys a building he designed but was altered by lesser architects. If his creation cannot be perfect, it must not exist.

The world is corrupt and destroys those who are pure. But this is the human story. In the same way, addiction destroys an innocent purity, but creates personality and depth.

Addiction is a way of consciously destroying oneself to create a perpetuating lifestyle, in a way that it appeals to familiarity. Those addicted to vices find ways to mold their lifestyle around their addiction, creating a cycle. Addiction is about repetition. Those who smoke cigarettes get the same brands, smoke in the same physical manner, and consciously destroy themselves in order to cope and seek meaning. Those who drink use the same type of liquor, the same chasers, and put themselves in a repeatable, familiar mood.

There is a nebulous relationship between human purity and addiction, two sides of a whole.

Addiction is a horrible thing, but a powerful thing. All who attempt to speak about it must experience it first hand. Creating an internal struggle is perhaps worth the physical risk.

Palahniuk and Brock, two poets skirting the edge: "I don’t want to die without any scars," and "If it takes shit to make bliss then I feel pretty blissfully."
Posted by Daedalus at 05:05 PM | Add a Comment

July 23rd, 2004

Drumroll Please

The future is a blank slate, and I wonder if I'll let nuance fill it for me. Will a phone call and a handshake set my path for years to come? Or will I take charge, decide on my own? I'm without a doubt at a crossrods.

Everyone always asks me, "What are your plans after you graduate?"

I shrug, throwing out the generic, "I don't know, get a job." Sounds just like Tyler Durden, scrubbing himself in a filthy decrepid tub.

I think everyone needs to live a story. The suburbs pump out a stench of cozy corporate jobs, high school kids, and fucking yuppie housewives. I can just wait, see myself filling out TPS reports, living for a blissful weekend, consuming. Half of me says fuck that. Then I realize I have to eat, pay for gas, not be a bum in my parents house.

So what if I did this.

What if I moved to Colorado and scrounged up whatever shitty IT job I could find. Maybe work nights. I'd live in a wooden shack in the wilderness and write novels. I'd be Kilgore Trout meets Thoreau.

I'd grow my own herb and brew my own beer, and have an acre garden of potatos and veggies to feed only myself. I'd throw out random flash games, or do php scripting for small indy companies. I'd be a tinker, fiddling with carpentry, or robotics, or electronica. Maybe I'd put out something original and inovative.

And that would be me for a year. Fuck making money, fuck being a surburban success. Maybe there's a dirty hippie inside aching to get out.

I have a degree, a solid physical piece of paper, condensed out of the liquid blood, sweat and tears of four years. That's the past, this is now.

We'll see.
Posted by Daedalus at 11:29 PM | Add a Comment

July 6th, 2004

It's something

Got a new story done before vacation. Courtesan.

It's different, maybe a little R rated.

Doing the research was lots of fun, I'll probably write about it later.
Posted by Daedalus at 12:30 AM | Add a Comment

June 25th, 2004

Scribblings

Just put up a new story I finished. The Herd

I wanted to do something just barely sci fi, but more to do with nature versus society and civilization. I'm glad I got around to finishing it cause I was having a hell of a time figuring out what to do with the ending.

I have some neat ideas going on for some other stories, so look for another one in couple weeks.
Posted by Daedalus at 09:08 PM | 1 comments

June 24th, 2004

Midnight Manifesto Mishmash

What do I believe in?

I'm past the disillusion and apathy of mid-college nihilism. Agnosticism isn't a belief so much as a lack of one. Self destruction was years ago. Unfocussed rebellion only goes so far. Anyone can bitch and moan and feel terrible about their lives and the world around them. But it takes a degree of maturity to grit your teeth, grin, and live with it. Perhaps work to change it.

I'm sure there are more ideals floating around in my head, but I think these are the seeds. Five virtues that are positive, and equally important as far as I'm concerned.

Integrity -
Standards and ideals aren't set in stone, but if I believe in something, I'll live it. Given my college kid liberal nature, there aren't too many principles in my book. But I'm not a manipulator, a backstabber. I strive to not be a hypocrite, and to give everyone I meet equal respect. Formality, courteousness and firm handshakes still hold water in my book.

Industry -
Hard work is an American tradition, but I think a malaise of laziness has infected far too many people. High school is a breeze, and working cozy retail jobs either results in snooze fests at the cash register, or mind-draining manual labor. I didn't learn hard work till I came to Tech. Spending an all-nighter on a project is only part of it. Spending a large part of my waking hours churning over math problems, programming assignments or literary essays in my head was another part. Industry is about devotion to a task, whether I like it or not. Its about a drive to achieve more, get more done in the day, and smile at my to-do list. Keeping busy is key.

Openness -
Writing, thinking and discussing important issues, no matter the subject matter, is vital for a healthy mind. Many people ignore their problems, or cover them with mindless time-wasting activities. Openness also requires acceptance and understanding of controversial viewpoints. I find it interesting to read or listen to opposing political viewpoints, and watch how my own views shift. Being slow to pass judgment, or voice my opinion. Searching inside to find fears, failures and misunderstandings is a constant process, but cannot be neglected.

Moderation -
The brunt of the day is filled with little things and minor decisions. Time management and organization must become second nature to make a difference. Priorities must be made, and changed as circumstances shift. Of course, I have to fit in mindless fun or relaxation in with studying or working. Taking a deep breath in the middle of it all is important for me. After a test or a presentation, I'll definitely buy myself a beer. And after a weekend of crazy fun, I'm satisfied to face a hard workweek. It all balances out.

Passion -
The final rule trumps them all. There is always choice and free will, and I'll always give impulsiveness consideration. One's personality, the glowing core at the center, should always shine through. These rules are just guidelines - I've broken every one of them. And if its because of a passionate idea or hobby, its worth it for me. Staying up all night playing a new game, tramping all around tech campus drunk, writing furiously for hours on end - these are the keystones of a well-lived life.

Because that's what its about - living amazing stories. It's not about being happy all the time, or being the most successful. I think happiness and success are nice, but temporary side effects of a well lived life.

That'll do for now =D
Posted by Daedalus at 11:09 PM | Add a Comment
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